What is wrong with me?
by BrookeSolis
Summary: Addison is not feeling well. Derek is the first who recognized it. What is wrong with her? Maybe something really serious? Does it change their life? rated T for later. Btw. It s all about Addek, still in NYC.
1. Chapter 1

I don´t ownanything.

In my world Derek and Addison are still together and they love each other. There is NO Meredith and Addison didn´t cheat.

It´s my first FanFic and English isn´t my first language so SORRY.

It was winter their favourite season of the year, the both had the day off so they decided to stay in bed a little longer. Addison was still sleeping and Derek had his strong arms around her, like he would protect her. He was watching his beautiful wife, he did that very often and it maybe sounds like a stalker but he wasn´t he just love his wife, his Addie, so much. But this morning she was pale, she was sleeping longer than ever so he decided to wake her up.

"Addie sweetheart wake up" He said with a very calm voice.

"What?" She mumbled.

"Are you alright?" He asked worried.

"Just a bit tired and exhausted but I´m fine don´t worry ok?" Addie was

watching him deep into his ocean blue eyes and kissed him.

"So I will get up now, do you want some coffee?" She smiled.

Derek wasn´t sure how to react he could see that something wasn´t right with her but she´s Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd, she is always right! So he watched her as she got up from bed and she was holding her head with a weird expression. He rushed over and grabbed her arm to place her back into their bad.

"Don´t tell me you are fine Addie!" He was very serious this time.

"I feel a bit dizzy that's all Derek, stop worrying!"

What was wrong with her? It all began yesterday after work she felt a bit dizzy, tired and exhausted but she thought it was because of her 48 hours shift. Pregnant ? No she wasn´t late and as you all know barren. But what else could it be?

Derek put his hand on her forehead "You are glowing!"

"Derek c´mon stop worrying I´m fine" She said and tried to smile.

"Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery Shepherd don´t play that you are fine you are glowing and you are pale, we are going to get dressed and we will see a doctor!" He said and meant it very serious.

"And Addie don´t argue with me just do it" He said with a smile on his face.

"Fine" She said even if she wasn´t happy about it.

Derek helped her to get dressed because he was scared she would faint away, after she was ready he started to get dressed so that they could go as soon as possible to the doctor.

Their doctor was 15 minutes away from the Brownstone. While Derek was driving he couldn´t stop starring at her. Addie was very quiet and she could feel that Derek was starring. After a few she started to speak, finally.

"Derek I´m just tired from work and the doctor will say the same so please stop worrying!"

He took her hand "Yeah maybe you are right" he wasn´t in the mood for a fight so he just let it go.

After about 20 minutes, because Derek drove not as fast as always, they were at their doctor. God thanks they weren´t any other patients so they could straight go to the doctor´s office. Derek knocked on Dr. Rodriguez door.

"Come in" Dr. Rodriguez shouted.

"Oh hello Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Montgomery Shepherd what can I do for you?" He asked

Dr. Rodriguez was young and pretty but an amazing doctor as well, people trust him and that's important.

"Hello as you can see my wife is pale and she´s feeling exhausted, dizzy and tired. This morning I thought she would faint away." Derek started to speak because he knew Addie would say she is ok.

"So Dr. Montgomery Shepherd first we´ll take some blood and then I´ll do a quick check up" Dr. Rodriguez said and pointed to the lounger.

Addison lay down without a word and that's not Addison like. She is the first who starts to argue. Maybe it was something really serious?

What is wrong with her? Or is she really just tired from work?


	2. Chapter 2

Heeey! I know the last chapter was very, very short but I´ll go on with the story :)

And I´m not the best but I like to write :)

Btw you all are really great thank you so so much 3

Again I don´t own anything.

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><p><em>Addison lay down without a word and that's not Addison like. She is the first who starts to argue. Maybe it was something really serious?<em>

_What is wrong with her? Or is she really just tired from work?_

Derek was holding her hand while Dr. Rodriguez was taking some blood and yes Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd has a fear of needles.

"Ouuch" She whined.

"Addie it´s just a needle and you are a doctor" Derek laughed.

"It´s not funny!" She said with a smile.

Dr. Rodriguez was ready and gave the blood a nurse so she could bring the blood to the lab.

"It will take a while till we´ll get the results so during we wait I´ll make a quick check up"

Addison was pretty quiet the whole time, so was Derek. Dr. Rodriguez took her temperature and it was a little higher than normal but not dangerous high.

So he started to check her stomach.

"Does it hurt here? "

"No"

"There?"

"Ouuuuch it hurts badly! " She screamed.

What was going on? Derek didn´t know what to do he just stared at them. Dr. Rodriguez was using the Ultrasound to see what´s going on in her stomach.

Addison wouldn´t be Addison if she wasn´t already one step along. There it was she couldn´t hold her tears anymore. There was a tiny little human being in her stomach with no heartbeat. It was heart breaking to see her like this. Derek didn´t know what he should do. What was really wrong? And then he saw Dr. Rodriguez expression his finger pointing on the monitor. But how could this happened ? She thought she wasn´t late, she thought she would be barren.

Derek wiped away the gel and took her in his strong arms. She got the fever because it started to infect. She was crying in his arms and couldn´t stop.

"I´m sorry but we really have to take the baby out off her body as soon as possible" Dr. Rodriguez spoke to Derek because he knew that Addison wouldn´t listen. But it was important because you can die when you have this kind of infection. It is something serious when you have a dead fetus in your stomach.

"Addie sweetheart listen to me, listen it´s not your fault but you need surgery and I am so sorry" He kissed her forehead. How will they survive this? How will especially his Addie survive this? She will blame herself for it.

"Ok" She didn´t say more.

* * *

><p>Addison was lying in a private room after the surgery, Derek was on her side , holding her hand. She was lying there pale and so lifeless it broke his heart. His head was resting on her bed and he was tired, this day was so long and how can he comfort her after this? How can you say someone who lost their baby everything is going to be ok, how?<p>

"D..Der ?" her voice was weak.

"Addie sweetheart you are awake. How are you feeling? " Maybe it was a stupid question of course she was feeling bad. But he was just happy that she was awake.

"My stomach hurts and I´m exhausted but I want to go home! " She complained.

"Sweetheart look at me you just had a surgery we can´t go home now" He said and held her hand tight.

"It´s my fault that our baby is dead so let me go home I don´t deserve anything" She said and tried to get up but Derek grabbed her arm.

"Lay down! And look at me, Addie look at me! It´s not your fault ok ?" He said with teary eyes.

"Can we please go home Derek? Please?"

"Stay in bed and I will ask the doctor but Adds promise me you´ll stay in bed till I´m back"

"Promise"

He left her room, she was depressed he could feel it. Normally they could never go home after such a surgery but he knew it would be the best for her. So he asked Dr. Rodriguez and he said yes after a 20 minutes talk. Derek promised he would take the week off to take care of her.

When he came back to Addie´s room she was asleep he decided to let her sleep and they could leave when she´s awake.

* * *

><p>They arrived at night because Addie slept about 9 hours and the last time she spoke was at the hospital before she felt asleep. So he took her into his arms and carried her into their bedroom. She was looking at him, her expression and her eyes empty.<p>

"Do you want to drink or eat something?" Derek asked and tried to smile.

"No" She put the blankets over her whole body.

"Addie sweetie… he said and grabbed her arm softly ..

"Don´t touch me"

"It´s not your fault"

"No of course not I mean I worked 48 hours and I had a lot surgery´s and I was stressed so no Derek it´s not my fault" She said ironically.

"Adds you don´t know that and it happens without any reason!" He tried to calm her down, he tried the best but he couldn´t help her, not today.

"Oh really Derek I didn´t even notice that I was late.. so let me sleep!" She said and closed her eyes but she didn´t sleep.

Derek was too tired. He lost his kid too! Why was she so cold now? Why didn´t she notice his pain?

Will it ever be the same?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 YAY thank you all for reading my story!

You are all great! Xx

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><p><em>Will it ever be the same?<em>

Addison wasn´t sleeping the whole night and she knew Derek wouldn´t either. She didn´t want to be so cold and heartless but she couldn´t help it. He was lying on his back and was staring at the wall, thinking. She took his hand and he held it tough.

"I´m sorry" She whispered

"I know" He hold her with his strong arms and kissed her forehead.

She felt a little bit better when Derek was holding here like this. She finally let herself sleeping and so did Derek.

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><p>Very early in the morning Addison felt nauseous and she had to rush to the toilet, she had to vomit and she was in pain. Derek was still sleeping but for the first time she didn´t want to do everything alone and she wanted to ask for help.<p>

"Derek" She said.

But he was fast asleep, he hadn´t sleep much the last few days because of his long shift at the hospital and because of HIS Addison.

"DEREK" This time she screamed.

He woke up as fast as he could and run to their bathroom where he heard Addison. He could only imagine worse things because his Addie doesn´t scream for help if it isn´t nothing serious.

And she was there lying in front of the toilet, her hair a mess and her hand on her stomach.

"What´s wrong?" He asked very worried.

"I have to vomit every few minutes and my stomach it hurts so much" She said and her face expression showed in how much pain she was.

He hold her hair while she had to vomit again, he took a cold and wet towel to clean her face and helped her to get up. She hadn´t got a fever so her wound wouldn´t be infected. He put her back into their bad and checked the wound to make sure that it´s really not infected. God thanks it wasn´t. The pain was from the surgery and if she was still in the hospital she would get some painkillers. So he started to rub some circles on her back, she always like that and it would calm her down.

"Thank you"

"Adds you don´t have to thank me, I´m your husband I love to help you"

"I´m so sorry about yesterday"

He took her face in his hands so they could watch each other deep into their eyes.

"Shhh it´s ok" He said with a soft voice and kissed her "I really think you should sleep a bit, you are still pale"

"Can you hold me?"

"You really ask me that? Of course I will hold you while you sleep"

* * *

><p>Hours later both started to wake up. Derek yawned and rubbed his eyes and looked at Addie. Her eyes were already open but she wasn´t really there.<p>

"Addie sweetheart" He said with a very very soft voice and stroked her cheek with his hand.

"Hmm ?" She tried to smile.

"Do you want to eat something? Or at least do you want a tea?" It was about time, she needs to eat and they need to talk. But about the talk thing, it could wait first of all Addie needs to get healthy.

"I´m not hungry Der.."

Derek nodded and got up to make her at least a tea. After a while he came back upstairs with a cup tea and a cup of coffee for him.

"Drink something and then let me check your wound "

She took the cup and sipped at it. After it she laid down and put her shirt up, she wasn´t in the mood to talk yet or to ague so she did what he wanted her to do.

Derek was surprised that she did what he said and checked her wound.

"How are you feeling? Is the pain a bit better yet?"

"I´m fine and yeah it´s better" She said without looking him into his eyes.

She wasn´t the old Addie but they lost a baby she still thinks it´s her fault, so he tried to make her feel better, to take the pain away.

"I have a great idea to make you feel better, we will watch a Meryl Streep movie I know how you love this woman" He said with a big smile on his face.

"Sounds like a plan" She said and tried to get up but laid back down.

"I will help you to get into the living-room, let me carry you!" He lifted her into his arms and carried her downstairs.

He put the DVD on and they were lying at the couch, she had her head on his lap and he played with her hair.

When will they start to talk about it? Is it too early?

* * *

><p>Btw. I know this chapter isn´t that long.. <strong>sorry!<strong> I will update as soon as possible and you´ll get some drama. (:


	4. Silence

YO I´m back (:

Thank you all for reading it.

Also I´m so so sorry that I need like years but I have my finale school weeks.

Then I was in England for a month and now I am back, not happy here but whatever. I am writing this especially for Addeklover.

hannah sorry about that but it´s not really about Grey´s Anatomy it´s Addek. There is no Meredith and they are still in New York but maybe it will change soon ;)

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><p><em>When will they start to talk about it? Is it too early? <em>

About 1 week later they still haven´t talked about their lost. And Addison was about to go back to work, even if she wasn´t allowed to go. They wound wasn´t healed yet and they last few days were every time the same. She would sleep the whole day and wouldn´t eat.

"Addie, what are you doing?"

No answer.

"Addison?" He screamed.

"What do you want?" She asked annoyed.

As she started to get dressed, Derek just looked at her. What should he do? She wore a beautiful black dress and Prada heels. After that she started to put on some make-up and curled her red hair.

No she didn´t even look at Derek and didn´t care.

"Addison are you seriously going back to work?"

"It´s not your business Derek" she said with anger in her voice.

He grabbed her arm and his grip was tight. Very tight.

"Derek you hurt me, stop touching me!" She said with tears in her eyes.

"So it´s not my business. NOT MY DAMN BUISNESS?" he laughed and still grabbed her tight.

"You know what Addison I lost a baby too, not only you. It was also my baby! Don´t you dare and say it isn´t my damn business!" He yelled and let her go.

Of course he was sorry but she has to understand that it was painful for him too and that he doesn´t even know how to react. He didn´t even cry yet because he has to be strong for her.

Addison grabbed her stuff as fast as she could and rubbed her arm. She made her way out to her car. _What the hell is wrong with me? _

She started the car and drove to Mount Sinai Hospital.

* * *

><p>Derek on the other side tried to called the chief, but he was too busy and had his own surgeries but he promised to look after Addie as good as he could.<p>

_What is she thinking? The wound isn´t healed, what if she breaks down or anything else happens?_

Of course he was mad, maybe mad was an understatement but he was worried. And did he may hurt her because he grabbed her too tight?

Not only Addison´s head was a mess, also Derek´s.

* * *

><p>Addison performed surgery after surgery. The chief didn´t see her yet and so she just did what she could do the best. She didn´t care about anything or anybody. It was her, the patient and her team. While she performed and easy c-section she felt a bit dizzy so she asked the team to finish up.<p>

She was searching for an empty on- call room and after a few she finally found one and lay down, starring at the ceiling.

But she couldn´t sleep.

* * *

><p>Derek was on his way to the hospital, he needed to find her. They needed to talk.<p>

He needed to see if she´s okay.

He was in every on-call room and opened the door of the last one and there she was. Lying in the bed, looking a bit lifeless and pale.

"Hey" he said with a calm and soft voice. Yeah he looked tired. It felt like he hadn´t slept for ages.

She turned her head and whispered "Hey"

He didn´t really know what to say so he lay next to her and she made some space for him and Addie was the first who started to speak.

"You really scared and hurt me Derek"

He wasn´t surprised "I am so so sorry okay? Let me see your arm."

He took her scrubs off. She was too tired before and still wore the dirty and bloody scrubs from surgery.

_What did I do? Was my grip really that tight? He was shocked and her arm was bruised. His father once said to him when he was younger : "never hurt a woman" and he did, he hurt Addie._

"Derek? It´s okay. I know that you lost a baby too and know you did but it is so hard for me and I don´t know what to do with my feelings. I feel..I feel so numb."

It broke his heart and he hugged her. You could hear here sobs and he didn´t know what to say or what else to do but he knew that_ it wasn´t okay what he did._

After half an hour she was asleep and he carried her to his car and he drove her home.

* * *

><p>The drive wasn´t long and she didn´t wake up, too much happened she was too exhausted. So he carried her into their living room and put her clothes off so that she just wore her bra and her panties. He took a huge blanket to cover her with it. But she wasn´t that asleep anymore and opened her eyes.<p>

"Der, could you get me some water please?" she asked with a soft voice.

"Of course " he said and got her a glass of water.

She took a sip and handed him the water back to him. The two of them just looked at each other, they didn´t know what to say.

_Will their marriage fall apart? _

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><p>I am sorry for the short chapter and it sucks, I know.<em><br>_


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